so new to me

i'm trying to get a feeling for all of this.  it is more new to me than anything else i've ever known.  there is a loneliness in this solitude but not one so crippling as before.  the quiet is appreciated, but it is not all i want. this is a chasm too deep for oceans to fill and only a miracle will do.  let us find the strength of diamonds and plunge headfirst into the murkiness of the unknown without fear or facsimile. there could be no heartbreak greater than the one suffered when this vessel was shattered in an overheated kiln.  mend me with the slip and shadows. keep the cracks bound with the memory of everything that will never be and free yourself from my marred flesh as i am consumed by the heat of the fire.

breathing ghosts

you breathe ghosts over me, the words once living that haunt me ever more.  in the forest of your mind, i peel the bark from trees looking to find those truths you've hidden from me for all these eyars.  in those most ancient of days when our skin was all powder and innocence, we sang the songs of an eternal salvation that echoed from our hearts and into the air --  thick with sun and honeysuckle.  but when the fall came (as it surely must), death -- she drove you farther from me and you were vibrant malachite -- gleaming shameless and heartless -- cold as the cloud cover brought the rain of ages and slowly carried me from your steadfast gaze.

what have we become?

the weight of our legacy lies in the tangles of our history. pages tattered, ravaged, but filled with the fruit of a great love that is unable to find a foothold. you sit there, long agile fingers finding lost frets while i find frets of my own, of course mine are of quite a different sort.  a new life has found its way into yours and what am i? what have i become? look at those pages, stop for review.  let the synaptic connections fire hotly in your mind. remember the fire we would paint on each other's skin, not the ashen char that you would find were you to look today.

oh to feel infinite

It was so nice to get out of Virginia for awhile, especially to go and see friends.  I spend a few days up in Boston with Alanna and we stayed at her Mimi's house in East Boston. That house was so amazing -- pretty much everything was original from when the house was built and there were so many cool little things to take pictures of, which of course I did.  

 

Because I was so poor and also because it was so cold (we ended up getting snowed in on Sunday) we did a lot of indoor things and not as much driving around as we normally do when I visit.  One thing that I love to do is cook, and luckily Alanna does too. So, we made Aorta Stew. Gross? Not so much. We just threw a bunch of veggies in a pot of broth with some orzo and let it stew for a bit and mmmmmm it was wonderful.  I'm thinking of making it again for dinner on Xmas day since I'll, again be fending for myself.

It's also become a tradition for us to make some kind of craft when I'm able to stay over for more than a night and this time we decided to make little dolls. Alanna didn't end up finishing hers, but I finished mine and he is lovely. You can take off his little coat and scarf but it was cold so I thought, I don't want him to freeze his little doll buns off.

 

The whole purpose of my visit, though, was to go to see Hatebreed with Alanna so she wouldn't have to go by herself.  We actually ended up leaving before Hatebreed went on, but we did see Thy Will Be Done, Hate Eternal, Unearth, and Cannibal Corpse. I had more fun than I thought I would, although I totally dozed off a few times during Hate Eternal.  Granted, we were sitting at a table, but they were just so monotonous I found it very difficult to keep my eyes open.  Cannibal Corpse were pretty funny, Corpse Grinder kept saying that they only had one or two songs left but they would just keep playing anyway. That gave me a nice little chuckle.  Alanna wanted to get her makeup done for the show so we had gone to MAC before hand and her makeup looked so nice.  The lady who put it on was wonderful too and it made my over the shoulder creeping time go by a lot faster, which was very much appreciated.

That was Saturday, and then there was snow.  Snow, snow, snow.  The only thing snow is good for is getting things done so all Sunday we worked on our dolls. While I finished, Alanna got frustrated and is setting hers aside for another day. Poor little guy. We also watched a ton of Six Feet Under which was wonderful. I'm so disappointed in myself that I didn't watch this sooner! I was pretty worried that I wouldn't be able to catch my bus on Monday because of all the snow, but I was in luck and managed to get out of the city without delay, although I was the last person to board the bus. Yikes!

I had set aside time in New York so I could go to lunch with Becka at Red Bamboo for a tasty vegan feast, but since traffic in New York was so bad, we had to make due with Starbucks.  I was greeted by Becka and her friend Jennie (who was adorable!) at the bus stop and bombarded with gifts -- what a wonderful greeting! Of course these gifts were two of my favorite things: sweets (Boston cookies) and words (Neverwhere) so I was absolutely thrilled and thankful for the surprise. Apparently I'm a natural at navigating through New York pedestrian traffic or so I was told by my lovely guides.  We battled our way through the Subway, to Starbucks, and all the way to Madison Square Gardens to catch my bus.  I wish I was able to get some more pictures from that portion of my trip but I wanted to get as much chit-chat time in as possible.  Running through the NYC streets was so exhilarating and made me feel the magic that Khaleelah and Carri had scolded me over upon my first visit to the city.  We were a bit late to the bus, but luckily the bus was late as well so I was still able to board AND get my own seat to boot!

Stephanie and I have been talking about traveling around this summer and I'm really excited at that prospect.  I've been itching to get to California as I'm starting to think that may be the best place for my gallery, but we'll see.  It's hard to make a prediction on these kinds of things when you really haven't spent a lot of time in the places you're considering.

For the New Year, I'm going to start an art blog. That'll be a good way for me to get my footing with all the gallery preparations and hopefully I'll be able to make some connections that way.  I'm also going to get a handle on my veganism and stop cheating so much. I told my mom that and she said that's not a good resolution, but I really want to be 100% vegan rather than just some of the time.  2010 is going to be a good year, I can feel it.  

the great escape!

Well I surely do love getting out of Virginia, especially when it involves braving the post asnowpalyptic streets of East Boston and navigating the snow-stupified streets of Manhattan.  Such adventure! I'll be posting soon with pictures from my trip as well as a brief play by play and some more delightfully dreary writings. Word up!

writing letters in georgia

there was a sigh. and a pause.  i was constricted by the cold in my lungs and the longing that weighted my chest, that caused the roots to grow.  the ice groaned and cracked and deftly i slid backwards on the frosted river, arms like branches reaching toward you  but you've turned your back and your body is now blended into the stars and they dissipate with the coming sun.  the cracks grow to chasms in the warm morning light and i sink slowly down, there is nothing to hold on to, there is no one to call home.  i've lost you to those golden rays, and december is nothing but my own, again.  another figure begs to take your place but falters at the edge of the river -- i have gone away. hesitation will do us all in eventually.

Artist's Statement + Senior Portfolio

i am trying very hard to be here

Sometimes life will flash before your eyes, and that is how my work reads.  It is flashes of emotion that are derived from personal events and filtered so that they may communicate with a broader audience through disjointed narrative.  By photographing reality that is augmented by objects symbolic of my personal struggle, I am instilling my own experiences with discomfort, anxiety, and isolation into the viewer. This juxtaposition of the unusual with the commonplace makes the images more jarring and surreal and often presents itself in the form of numbness or detachment. It exists as a look in the eyes that at first glance gives the suggestion that the person in the images is in tune with the moment but in fact they are lost deep within themselves. There is a repetition of imagery in order to emphasize importance or recurrence of a feeling and its increasing severity.  The utilization of these devices will ultimately allow the viewer connect with me through my art.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/swingthefocus/sets/72157622959440918/

still and calm

what are these screams? they are silent over obvious melodies and taunt and tease the senses.  the creep of the moon, its stars in tow, brings with it a veil of calm and stream of tears flowing abundant from the sky.  i would dam it if i could but heaven's stake holds more sway than mine.  you didn't have to let me go. consider the times when my arms were open and this heart was willing but my grace was received by feign and flounder and again the evening wraiths rode away with the good that only comes with sun and frost.

sew up your eyes

i remember when you used to watch me. tiny gestures -- none unnoticed.  we were blissful then. ascending.   but the fall came as we over saturated. over satiated.  we were the banal and the creep of complacency sprawled on our limbs like moss or ice.  the sweet drift set in and your eyes ceased to follow.  what were we then? the tiny gestures were no longer enough and only sweeping grandeur was of any comfort -- for you not me.  and so i dissipate and disintegrate, swimming through the dark to some brighter highway.

while the moon is high

reclining gracefully into the full plush of the chaise he sighs as the ferns tangle over his ankles and a swift breeze carry the deadened leaves of the months passed by. we share a look and promise never again to partake in such folly but we know that this is nothing but false.  there is a terror in your eyes as the clouds pass over the sun and blame does not fill my heart for this. but the felines are watching now and cursing and calling but we don't move as their yellow eyes pierce the dusk drawing closer and brighter in the coming night.  must we watch them? we are only drawn in, hypnotized. they draw us together in a broken oath the crushing and pouting of injury sustained. permanent. there is permanence.  there are shouts from the trees and heckles from the dirt and we tuck our legs beneath the blankets and draw near each other although we are perpetually repelled.  please sing to me and drown out the wretches that sting my ears and crease my brow. please quiet the noise that forever haunts.

and it all comes flooding back

his hand passed over my eyes as they opened to see the criminals creeping in through the slits in wrists of our poor, poor children.  oh, what have they done? shivering they will rise and bleed over the wooden floors of creaking cottages and the mossy ground of a trembling forest, dying despite the sunlight.  when will they rise and greet the moon and the stars glowing, gleaming bright, high in the sky? they must, oh. they must. and we will rush them and hold their hands high to the heavens as we grasp for the hearts that we shall never reach and oh will they ever be ours? could they ever be? no no no we are far too beautiful for such a tryst. but we reach, i reach, regardless. am i horrifying? do i terrify? freeze the heart and store it in your palms so that when you touch your face i might feel the blush on your skin and the tears that will course down your cheeks and into my veins. oh please don't faint, but swoon everlasting into my arms and rest eternal for me, my love, for you.

i should be snoozin'

I will be picking Becka up from the bus stop in 3.5 hours! Why aren't I napping?!

oh, i see.

the ache of reality is setting in and i can see that all my want was for naught.  your foresight astounds as i watch you make preparations for months to come and i collapse internal as i try to deny what is only too clear.  fearful i request a court but dutifully am denied time after time repeating.  the smallest details are scrutinized until there is nothing more to grasp as all has become apparent.  you don't want me. did you ever? perhaps distance will quiet this ache in my chest and this constant leak in my mind... could it ever, would it ever, will it over and over and over. i wait patiently for all of this to truly weigh me down as it will set the words free, and nothing would be of more calm excitement to me.

searching for a spade

Setting the stage for a beautiful crash, I am unsure of how to act.  Surrounded by felines and uncertain actions, what am I to do? There is no way for me to get done all the things that need to be and I slip through the cracks as I'm reaching to you. Sliding down into nothing, or something... we seem so close, only steps away. It's been four years. Is it finally time? Could it be? I won't be the second again.  I will not. I cannot be torn in two.  But I want you. There's a tragedy in us and I'm not sure --  I'm not sure that I can take another lap in this race. Back and forth, our timing's never right. Let it be now. Let it be us. We will fit like perfect pieces. The cracks will be filled, those lovely cracks, and as they seal so shall we, together. We will rope the stars and pull them to us. They are our present, they are our future, those glamourous stars. We will shine as they do and brighter, we will carve our own eden. I don't do hope well but this is me at my best. My confidence is wavering at this height but I am holding on and no I will not feign or faint. Come to me and we will fill our cracks, we will smooth out the lines.

when will we meet?

and in that soft echo voice i could hear the pain culled from a thousand years' experience.  under the thunderous aggression there is a heartache so real that i reach out to feel it  slip through my fingertips. but i am left empty.  to bathe in your despair, the mist of hot tears tickling my lashes, would be a moment for the ages. the purity would cleanse and mend with soft sighs and careful glimpses. oh, what it is to be constantly in the company of a dream, to be ever taunted by the stars and sparkles of night.  this pain is mine, you've shared.  now let us weep and save this water to again mend and leave us able to return. a promise is a promise.

not so devoid of rational thought.

Today was a really decent day when you cut into it, although it was heavily weighted with immaturity, which is of course necessary in order for us to not take ourselves too seriously.  Vampire literature class was pretty cut and dry, there were presentations done throughout the period so we didn't get much done in the way of discussion. Professor Brinegar is hilarious, though.  He's constantly muttering to himself about things and is seemingly as easily annoyed by long presentations as the class is.  Marvelous! Next I had Death: Myth & Reality which was a snore today. This is unfortunate because I've been very interested to take this class, but something about the way our professor presents the material just, forgive the pun, sucks the life out of the lectures. We were watching a video called The Life and Times of Life and Times which was about the aging process and how very little is currently known about it.  I don't know why I had so much trouble focusing today, although I think I'm going to have to blame it on the rain.  Eleanor was feeling the same sort of absentmindedness and we ended up reverting back to our high school selves which of course involved writing notes during the film.  Another thing that the rain can be blamed for was the stink that was circulating the classroom.  I don't know why Richmond always insists on smelling its worst but I really don't appreciate it.


In order to avoid parking downtown and getting wet from bicycling in the rain, I opted out of my Entrepreneurship class and booked it home early.  It was really nice to just hang out with Shawnee for the evening since we rarely see each other, despite living together.  We made a delicious vegan feast of rosemary mashed potatoes, mac and cheez, and chorizo with asparagus, mushrooms, and onions.  I haven't eat so well in a coon's age.  This was followed closely by a marginally successful craft night. I got a bit of a start on the Metalocalypse dolls that Alanna and I started two summers ago and Shawnee got started on her present for Sara.


I'm not even sure what I'm going to be getting for people for Christmas, but I do know it will probably be cheap.  And by cheap, I mean it's probably going to be my little face grinning merrily. My family will be lucky if I can even make it home for more than one day, which is what Thanksgiving is looking like. It's also looking like I'm going to be making my own T-Day dinner again, which is always a bummer but it's the price one pays for compassion, I guess.


My bed is calling me, and it sounds quite lovely so I think I'll oblige.  Imagine that, two posts in the span of a few hours.  Who knew I was capable of such a thing.


PS Operation get Alanna to move to VA is going to go into full swing. Also Operation lose weight 2k9 is going to be taking effect soon as well. Let's get ready to rumble!

nacho stop playing with me

it's been four years and i am praying for payoff.  patience has proven itself and i am all thrill.  but this demise is fraught with my own doubts. how much longer must i wait? am i even waiting? there is no guarantee here and this is painful to consider.  why is this a plague on me? we are no more familiar than strangers and yet i feel this pull.  i cannot read you.  there have been blatant referrals in the past but they have all but faded away. am i not the same as i was before? have your feelings finally faded? i pray they have not.  i ache to reach out to you but i am afraid of rejection and jeopardy.  i'd almost welcome rejection over this aching in my heart.   i feel the literal coming back to me, the poet is in respite.  there are no tears to bring on the words i once knew, but rather a numbness sweeping over me and laying me to rest. 

i'm wrong

and we were quiet.  there was a frantic pulsing but a silence that wrapped itself, tangled itself around us and froze the blood in our veins with its silent shrieks and painful cries. we, two familiar souls, finding ourselves strangers. gripped in the gnarled bones of regret and ice, unmoving, the blood has slowed. you turned to me and whispered a terrible weight which slipped into my skin and poured through my veins.  to beg for cleansing would be for naught and i abstain, and crawl blind in my stupor to a comforting corner, calm and cold as i chill and shake and murmur my prayers of redemption. we were feverish and clamouring, which only makes this a more painful demise, our noise and life drowned by these shadows, these shapes of mourning. someone reach us, someone save us, please pull me up and out from under these waves.  i crash and cry and pair these words for the illusion of grace that eludes me in all i may try.  fighting no more, i succumb to the sea and drift in softness to the dark below.

Writing a Novel

I think I want to write a novel. It would likely be a tragic love story with flowery language and unfulfilled dreams.  It would probably be best to try and hammer it out while I'm in this state of malcontent but whenever I have the time for it I never seem to remember to put anything on paper.  I should start carrying around a notebook, but I hate carrying things when I don't have to.  Maybe I should try and get my little handmade book published.  I think that might be a good idea. Erynn enjoyed the little blurb I wrote before last night's post, and that gave me a nice little burst of confidence. Anyone looking to publish me?

AFI In New York and Why I Am I so Emotional Lately?

My heart is swept up in storms that I can't define and melodies are tugging at tissues and tendons, leaving me enraptured and entrapped.  Ever-encompassing, I am sighing and in a hot swoon with the shrieks and wails that surround me.  Can you reach me? Will you join me? If there could only be an outlet that I could slip through gracefully and without disdain.  Could there ever be such a way? The chills appear like stars in swarms and swirls and oh how I wish I would warm to them 'fore the ashes envelop me. What is this throbbing? This pulse? I fear if I were to speak this lump would slip and shatter this hard work that I have invested in you. I am cracked and torn. I have heard that before.  With coursing, whispering words, a silent serenade can you feel me? Can you hear me? I will reach for you before we are through and all will be quiet and blessed. There is never an end to this.  There is always an end.


_______________________________________________


I don't know where that came from, but there it is. Anyway. I went to NY with Brett to see AFI on Friday and I had such a great time.  Alanna was supposed to come as well but because she was sick she unfortunately couldn't make it.  Brett and I, after an incident with an ignorant metro parking attendant, made our way to the Megabus stop and embarked at 11:59 (why not 12, Megabus? why not 12?). Although our ticket said we would arrive at 4:20, we ended up running a bit behind and reached New York closer to 5. I welcomed this, though, because I definitely needed the sleep that I got on the bus.  


Walking through the empty streets of Times Square was a little bizarre since the only time I've ever  been in the area has been during daylight hours when people are packed into the streets and sidewalks.  One of the best feelings when arriving super early to a show is seeing that you are the first one there. I don't know why this is really, because my main concern with getting there early is so I can get a good spot on the barricade, but it just really gives me this sense of accomplishment and true dedication.  People started arriving shortly thereafter and tentative conversations were carried out but as the day progressed we really got to know the people around us.  I bonded most with a girl named Becka who was very sweet and I feel like we really made a connection.  This is one of my favorite parts of waiting in line.  She's probably the only person I've ever met in a line who I've really cared to keep contact with.


At one point, we'd gone to Starbucks for some soy chai and as we were leaving, Hunter was coming in.  I think we both felt bad because we acted so awkwardly, but it was just so unexpected and the area was so cramped that it was just... uncomfortable all around for everyone. I think had I been anticipating meeting anyone I would've been alright, but I had no such anticipations and so the awkwardness ran its course.


The show itself was fantastic, much better than the Richmond show. RVA may have had a better setlist, but NYC was greeted with more energy from the boys.  I think being on Jade's side of the stage really made a difference too. I feel like all the action happens over there, who knows why.  Some key moments:

• During GNG it looked like Davey got kicked by Jade, it made me laugh
• Davey kept dropping to his knees dramatically and often looked like he was in physical pain.  The intensity was so palpable though, it was almost as though he couldn't help but fall at the end of the song because some kind of force had just left his body. Crazy.
• During Medicate, Jade messed up the pre-solo solo.  He made the cutest/goofiest face and we all (the audience and the bandmates) laughed with him as he recovered.
• Jade lost his voice when he was singing during the end of the Interview.  It was cute though, so I didn't mind. I love lost voices.
• There were a lot of knowing glances shared.
• Oddly, no songs from BSITS or TAOD were played, which was a little upsetting but not enough to ruin my night.

The energy that night was just so crazy and palpable I could just feel it seeping through me.  I don't know that I can really adequately explain just how right everything felt during that 1.5 hours or so.  I just felt like I needed to be there at that exact moment. I was exactly where I needed to be.  The world was complete for me at that time.  AFI's music has been such a huge influence for me and such a large part of my recovery process.  I have many favorite bands, I think anyone who knows me knows that, but they all represent different parts of my life.

1. Blink-182 -- not only the carefree moments of middle school, but the more serious moments of young-adulthood
2. Good Charlotte -- allowing me to survive and endure the traumas that I experienced at the hands of my step-dad
3. AFI -- making the recovery process from said traumas much easier to cope with and demonstrating the therapeutic power of words
4. Fall Out Boy & Panic! at the Disco -- instilling the bitterness and sass in me that everyone knows and loves today. They really helped me deal with the Liz situation with grace and allowed me to not back down and stand my ground.
5. the Format & Angels and Airwaves -- providing the soundtrack to my first love which, although may have ended poorly, I will never forget.  I don't think it would have been nearly as beautiful or romantic or cinematic without this music's influence.
6. Margot and the Nuclear So & Sos -- showing me that things were not as beautiful as they had been painted to be and providing me with the strength to make the hardest decision I think I have ever had to make.
7. the Cure -- always having the perfect sad song to allow me to cry when I need to the most.

And to be able to experience the music that affects me most in person, live, actively, it is just something I really cannot find words for. It is the most intense and moving thing I ever experience.  I think that sometimes people probably think I'm foolish for liking the music I do because really, not much of it is very hip or forward anymore, but I've never been one to be into things that are hip and forward.  I've always kind of followed my own path and I'm so proud that hasn't changed about me. It's one of the things that I'm most proud of about myself, if nothing else.


Looking at artwork from other artists when doing my artist blogs is painful sometimes, because in school we are told that we need to constantly be revising our work and reshooting and redoing and rethinking -- but it seems as though successful artists just kind of... do.  I'm not saying that they don't think, it just seems as though their thought process is very insular and organic and spontaneous and I miss that about taking pictures, so very much.  I miss loving photography, I miss thinking it's fun. Now I dread it. I feel like I have to drag myself to my camera in order to do work.  I hate calling it work.  While for me it is emotional labor, I don't feel as though I should feel like I am doing work which has such a negative connotation.  I just want to look at art and experience it. At this point, I am so tired of making art which is horrible to say but I feel like it's true.  I have so little confidence in myself with my work, especially after that D+ in my mid-term critique.


I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore, but it felt good to get some of that stuff out.  I'll end with some of my favorite pictures from Friday's show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peace out.

This is old

Sometimes I like the things I write, or at least snippets of them. I'll post more of these as I gain confidence in myself. I don't think anyone I know reads this but if you do, please don't mind how tragic I sound. I was very upset when I wrote these but, as I said, it was quite a few months ago so there is nothing to worry about!



i can't describe the way i'm feeling
there's so much inspiration and idea but i don't know how to let it out
i am possibility girl and i want to be reality girl
i don't know how people really feel about me and that scares me
i feel aggravated at my lack of motivation
at my lack of making my dreams come true
i feel trapped in my own life
i am too literal

there's a feeling in my stomach that tells me that i'm meant for more than i allow myself to achieve
and i'm slinking through shadows that are cast by my own doubts and fears of dismissal and disapproval
nothing should be as hard as i'm making things for myself and these walls that i've built up need to be taking down
i'm being passed by and its only because of my own precautions, the steps that i've taken to protect myself, to shelter myself
the tangles in my hair are the knots in my stomach and i can't breathe for the suffocation that i've created for myself
everything is me me me but at the same time it's not. i want to swim in metaphor and bathe in simile
open the blinds and let the sun stream in, hang lanterns, live in fairy tales
screaming crying but there is no sound, i'm lost within my body
i see myself swinging from the ceiling or sinking to the bottom of a lake
i want to drift off rather than hurt anyone
i need to take hold of my life and make myself happy. i'm not a mother, i'm not a wife, i'm not a caretaker. i am not life support. the only thing i can rely on is myself and i can't stand being relied on so much. it hurts. it's infuriating. i don't want to be touched and i writhe under the strains of relationship and togetherness. i'm not ready for this. i'm not ready for this, i'm not ready for this.
i feel tragic and misunderstood. i feel so terribly unhappy, like some teenaged cliche that's reached its expiration.  i just want to be happy and i want things to be perfect. i want to let go and feel myself drift off and have everything just flow absolutely the way it should. i want these ribs and these hips to jut at the most romantic angles so that i may drift gracefully and awkwardly into people's hearts
i can taste daggers in my palms and iron on my flesh and nothing seems more appealing than that
the tides are turning and lapping at my jaw, my eyes, my hair and oh! i'm sinking now, turning round in the weightless pressure that beats on my lungs and chest
oh sweet joy, heaven's open arms
please let me go, please let me free
i want nothing more than to right now be alone. oh irony, you've come to join me
i've been naive and i wish that i weren't such a bleeding heart
i wish that i realized sooner the promise of being young and careless
mysterious in my silence, the light that dances behind my eyes and invited you in was feverish and clamoring. if only i had waited. if only i'd let things happen they way they should have and not brought them on provoked.
only now am i paying the price, looking to the outside and seeing the hope that i'd been missing. i no longer want to be part of a whole, i want to be whole on my own and add a part down the road, but for now just me, just me by myself. whole. happy. complete.

Uh oh...

i feel the familiar chill of december winds and with those winds comes lightness of body and a pressing on my mind. each year brings a new weight that i can't shrug off or run from but instead it seeps deeper and deeper, burrowing into my skin and finding solace in my bones. sometimes i feel an overwhelming sadness crashing over my body only to recede leaving pebbles over my waterlogged flesh to lodge in my throat.  this helplessness that i feel leaves me trembling and exquisitely alone.  each passing year i feel some new connection with you, and always at your insistence. now finally i am ready to insist in return only to find you've become unreadable. i hesitate and comb my mind, i feel the splitting all over again.  but where patience fell away from me before i am determined to keep it close by my side in the coming days.  

and then there's you.  you who i've been through ups and downs and thicks and thins and still you feel the way you do? i don't even know how to react. i spilled my heart out to you and i don't know that you comprehend the pain that you're causing me.  you are important, and important to me.  it kills me knowing that i don't make you feel that way.  after 6 years you would think that my feelings would be clear, you'd think that it would be understood that you are my best friend. how could you not know? how could you not feel that? why do you think i try and get you to visit all the time? why do you think i come and see you as often as i can.  if it were as easy as just moving i would do it but i can't.  instead of talk to me you would rather pour time and effort into a friendship that means nothing.  it's not real and she doesn't care about you.  you dedicate more time to those who treat you poorly than you do to me, who, according to you, treats you better than anyone you know. why do you do this to yourself? why do you do this to me? since we talked the other night i just can't stop the rising lump in my throat and the fact that i'm losing hope in him isn't helping that lump dissipate.  i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what to do about anyone. i

i'm sure anyone who happens upon this who knows me could make some educated guesses about the who's that i'm talking about. and i'm not upset about ending that two year run. not in the least.  i do reminisce about it but even when i think of the good parts, i'm consumed only by the negative.  i made a good decision and i wouldn't think of making that decision any other way, except for sooner. i feel like i made things harder when they didn't need to be, but that isn't for a lack of trying on my part because i tried, i tried so hard and whether that is recognized or not is out of my hands.  i'm thankful, though, for the fact that i'm not dwelling on the events from my childhood. i'd much rather be distraught over happenings in the now than in the then.  

one day i know everything will fall into place the way it should. sometimes, especially in this chill and swoon i feel impatience rapping on my chest and praying for recognition but it will do me no good.  it is necessary to stay true to myself and remember where i came from and what i used to have that i have lost. sometimes it feels as though i have strayed from myself and lost a bit of myself on the road to becoming who i am right now. sometimes that's okay, but when you lose integrity that's something that needs to be recovered and i am working on that slowly but surely.

AFI Last Night...

was so much more exciting than Monday! I may be able to attribute that to the gentle caresses exchanged by a certain couple in the band but... I'll refrain.  I played basketball with Jade's brother Smith at one of the carnival games that was set up. He had horrible aim and I tried to give him some pointers but he wasn't having it. I guess he didn't need them though since he got a basket before me. Luck I say. Pure luck!

I went with Brett which was a relief since I didn't really want to go by myself. AFI did so much better than they did on Monday, Davey must've been feeling a lot better though. He had the flu and ended up having to cancel a show earlier in the week because he was, in his words, "dying on a hospital floor." That's probably a bit dramatic but what shall we expect?

At one point Jade pretended to kick Davey and it was hilarious.  Davey also kept peppering a bunch of unnecessary "oh!"s into songs where they didn't belong.  The set was shorter than on Monday, but that's probably contributed to by the fact that they were opening for paramore. Weird am I right? Either way they did wonderfully.  I didn't stay for all of paramore but Hayley looked beautiful, I really like the blonde hair.  They sounded really good too. I was really happy that they played "I Caught Myself" since I never would've guessed in a thousand years they'd play that song since it wasn't the big hit from the Twilight soundtrack.

Here are some pictures I took on the monitors since we were on the lawn and could barely see:

I sent in a picture of Boo and Baxter and they put it on the screens! Everyone awwwwed.

This is when he was being dramatic about dying on the hospital floor. Look how giddy!

Here is Jade getting yelled at. Probably for kicking Davey earlier.

Jade shreddin'. Nuff said.

Remember when...

I saw blink-182 in VA Beach? It was so much fun.  I was trying to call Kyle since he was sick and couldn't go and Mark saw me on my phone so he decided to come over and ask what I was doing and why I was on my phone.  And Tom was making eyes at me like... the whole time. Love it. It was so magical getting to see them after all these years and I really hope they tour again. My heart swelled so many times it was all just so surreal.  I know I saw them before in August, but it was just as great the second time around. Fall Out Boy were really wonderful too.  Headfirst Slide into Cooperstown is such a good song to hear live, it just gets sleazier every time I hear it (and Peter gets sleazier every time I see him).

AFI yesterday were great too, I was so glad I could see them with Alanna.  She always makes me laugh so much and she's one of those people you can make the same joke with over and over and it will never get old..... the gun. Oh. I was so glad they played the interview. It really made my day.  And Days of the Phoenix was great to hear live too. They really put together a nice playlist that had old and new.  I was glad to finally be able to like Crash Love, I knew the live show would do that for me. Oh and Davey blew me a kiss when he was walking offstage, I told my mom and she asked if Jade got jealous. Tee hee! I told her he did but she thought I was serious, that silly woman.

After the show, Alanna and I went to Denny's with Brett who I've known since the Children's World days and had a grand old time.  On the way back to taking Brett to his car, we were joking about whether or not the kids who were waiting outside the tour bus would still be there and lo and behold they were. We had a laugh about that as we were turning onto 7th st (where they were) and as I'm driving by the bus, Davey emerges. I was a little embarrassed (we all were) because we were listening to the B-Sides CD that was released with Crash Love, but I parked in front of the bus and we all scurried in line where we saw Sterling who was in line with us before the show.

Davey had a bit of a 'tude but it was cool. I probably would have one at that point too. Here's how our convo went:
Me: Hello there! How are you doing?
Davey: I'm doing pretty well, how are you doing?
Me: Well, I'm doing...pretty well as well.
Davey: Where do you want me to sign this? Is here okay? (Talking about the CD)
Me: You know... you can sign it wherever you want.
Davey: It doesn't matter to me...

it was sassier in person but it's okay. it was a little chilly and i'm sure he had a long night of screamy girls asking him to marry them or something idk.  i know fritch was having a hard time at the merch table with idiots but he was glad to have me who thanked him and wished him a nice night.
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Remember when you told me I was beautiful? There was nothing I could do then but admit things that I claimed as past.  But the tide has turned and the moon is wax and I wish I could go over all of that again.   I want to spill myself empty but it's just not quite the time. I fear that things are different now and that I'm just trying to hard to write down words with meaning. Why am I even trying? I've been down this way before and it only ended with a song and a tear, just the same way as it began.  I'm begging for embarrassment and feigning confidence that never existed in the first place. This smile isn't trite but I fear it could be fuller but I'm willing to wait for the perfect time to put all the pieces together, I pray that I won't fall into the sea if I find the boat has passed.
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yikes i'm so silly

i don't know what i want

today when i was biking home from class, i thought about how nice it is to not have a commitment looming over me at all times. i felt so free and nice and I have since the break up.  i've also felt lonely though. i think my feelings for chet have very much faded.  there are just so many things that i realize could never have worked between us and i think i'm finding peace with that now.

regardless of this freedom, though, i still feel lonely a lot. it's silly really. i love my roommates, sara and i spend a ton of time together.  skittles keeps me warm at night. i have friends at work and school. i even go out more than i used to. despite all this i still feel lonely.  i expressed to sara the other night my fear that i'm just going to end up living alone with the cats and she pointed out that i was the only one of the three of us (roommates) that had any kind of lasting relationship but i don't know that it really means anything, especially since it didn't amount to anything. i feel like i can't even talk to chet without him bringing up our relationship and telling me how he feels and it just makes me feel so badly.

i want to ultimately be with someone with whom things are effortless. i don't want to try to make things work. i don't want to fight all the time.  i want to be able to go out when i need to, come home and do the things i need to do, and have them feel like they can do the same. i don't want to feel suffocated. i want to be needed and to need.  i want my level of need for my other to equal the need of my other for me. i don't think it can be one sided, it just doesn't work.

i don't know why i've been so mopey in the past couple weeks. i think it must be the winter air.  this always happens and i can only hope it will start making me shoot better.  i was looking over the pictures i took this past week and i don't know that i'm totally happy. i know i need to reshoot one series for sure but the shoot that i did on saturday turned out really very nice.  i'm just nervous because i don't have another in class critique before the mid-crit. ugh i don't know! i just want to sleep for a couple days i think that would be so nice.

in lighter news, alanna will be here on sunday! i'm so excited... i can't imagine the fun we'll have!

Oh I remember

I was just going to say that I've been loving music so much right now. It's found its way back into my soul. I was getting worried though because for awhile it was just like... meh. It's there. But praise the Lord I feel its magical pull. Holla!

Gossip Girl is taking over my life!

Oh to be Blair Waldorf and have an amazing wardrobe and a Chuck Bass all of my own, swoon. Tonight at work I had the (dis)pleasure of dropping a glass on some poor woman's head. I felt awful. And to make it worse I think she was receiving treatments for Leukemia or Cancer or something. What kind of person am I?! Ugh, I don't know. I made muffins though when I got home and that made me feel better. Also seeing my kitties.

I'm really excited to go see blink again next week.  I don't know what it is but I just love going to shows! I'd forgotten how much, really. Last year I really didn't go to very many and I'm not sure why. Really, it may have just been a lack of shows to go to. It seems like now, though, everyone and their brother wants to tour and who am I not to oblige them with my presence?

And I know I've mentioned this before, but I really want to learn guitar. I've actually been looking on craigslist for a nice cheap acoustic to learn on. I love acoustic guitars so much. They're so mopey, like me! I want to cover songs for the most part, I don't really know that I'm cut out for the whole songwriting thing, or maybe I am and I just don't know it because I don't know how to play any instruments. I made a new friend named Kyle who can play and maybe if I pay him in mix CDs he'd be willing to help me out. If all else fails I can use Garage Band... it has tutorials! Patrick Stump would teach me to play in that case and, golly wouldn't that be nice?

I feel like there was something else I was going to yak about here but I can't remember for the life of me what it was.  Oh well that just means it's time for me to watch Gossip Girl/get some sleep!

I want to perform!!!!!

Listening to music really, really loudly really makes me wish that I had some kind of musical ability so I could be in a band.  I think maybe I could sing, but I don't know what else I could contribute aside from that. Tambourine? Perhaps... I don't know I just think I could put on a fucking AWESOME show.

What the heck happened?

I felt so inspired last week and now I'm just... I don't even know.  I feel like I need to make myself upset in order to make good artwork and I really don't like being sad. I'm happy right now. I'm more content than I have been in such a long time but I guess happiness doesn't look good on me so I have to go back to being a mopey bum.  I sound like such an emo jerk.  I feel like I just need to sit myself down and get into a state of mind from which I can't escape. At least until winter break then I can put a pause on it. I don't know I wish it were easier to get moody but I don't know... I don't feel like I'm in any sort of throes of emotion right now even though I think I need to be.  There's no passion in my life right now and in order for me to make something that is authentic and me I feel like that needs to be the case. Ugh!

Chocolate Covered Strawberries!

I think I'm going to start taking more pictures. That sounds kind of silly... I mean I'm a photo major so I should be taking a lot of pictures as it is but I feel like I don't take enough. I'm not confident in myself or completely comfortable with my camera which is kind of sad, really. So, I intend to remedy this! More pictures!! Even if it's just the cats.  Maybe from this point on I'll start posting pictures that I take. I think it'll also help me get into the habit of getting my workflow to be a little more efficient... which would be a really good thing.

I'm pretty happy with the person I'm becoming though.  I'm more motivated and I feel like I get so much more done in a day than I used to.  I'm not as much of a procrastinator (old habits die hard... I'm procrastinating now... oops).  I also feel like I have more energy. It's so nice being in an environment that fosters actually getting up and doing things.  I want to start drawing more and I want to learn how to play an instrument (either guitar or piano really... or both!). I think I might sell my Squire and get an acoustic. I think that would be better to learn on. I want to do covers and write my own music too eventually. I want to be multi-talented!

This is such a good place that I'm in and I'm just... YIKES just so happy! I don't know. Life is good. There are a few downs, which I moaned about the other day, but for the most part it's up up up.

I'm feeling restless!

I feel like I have so many ideas and so much creativity running through me just screaming and yelling and trying to get out but I also feel like I don't possess the ability to make my thoughts happen. Is there some sort of career where I can just give people great ideas and then someone else can go out and execute them? If so, that would be the life for me. It seems like whenever I go about looking for things for myself research wise, I end up finding a billion things that would aid other people in their endeavors but nothing that is of interest to me.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Ugh, it's just so frustrating.

On a lighter note, I have been getting good ideas for my upcoming sailor moon tattoo, which I'm super stoked about.  Of course, having ideas for that doesn't do me any good in the photography arena.

Back to being gloomy.  I miss having all my super close friends close in proximity to me.  I mean, Alanna's always been far away (and I'm starting to get worried she's not going to come visit next month, after all) but Stef was closer and Khaleelah... I feel like I'm missing out on something.  I know it's good to be responsible but sometimes I wish I were a little more carefree.  The stress that comes from not getting things done, though, just builds up and I just end up not being able to enjoy myself.  But, like I said, I'm missing out on my youth. I feel like I'm missing out on being completely ridiculous and spontaneous.  This is something that's plagued me even through high school and I'm just being reminded of it now.  Maybe if I stop creeping on peoples' Facebooks and seeing all their pictures of themselves having fun with their friends all candid and such, these feelings will go away.  Ugh. Back to homework!

I'm really hoping that I can make this whole store business work. I'm taking an Intro to Entrepreneurship class so I'm hoping that will help out as far as figuring out the path that I need to take to get my business up and running. It just gets so miserable working at Can Can sometimes.  I want to really enjoy my job. And that's not to say that I'm not thankful for having a job, but it would be nice to work for myself and I'm hoping I can make that happen.

First Poast

It's been a long time since I've kept a journal of any kind, and while I'd really like to keep one by hand for the tangibility and nostalgia of it all, I'm short of time and so typing up my thoughts and feelings is looking like the way to go.  I feel like when I did keep a journal, I was a little more creative and a little less scatterbrained, and these are two things I definitely need more of in my life.  I also miss writing as frequently as I used to, and hopefully by writing more I'll be able to speak better/verbalize my thoughts so that I won't confuse people.  Ideally I'd like to write here at least once a day, even if it's a blurb, but I'm not kidding myself into thinking that will happen.  At the very least, I'm going to hope that I'll make a post here whenever I make a post for my art blog.  We'll see. It's time to get back into the swing of things.