Uh oh...

i feel the familiar chill of december winds and with those winds comes lightness of body and a pressing on my mind. each year brings a new weight that i can't shrug off or run from but instead it seeps deeper and deeper, burrowing into my skin and finding solace in my bones. sometimes i feel an overwhelming sadness crashing over my body only to recede leaving pebbles over my waterlogged flesh to lodge in my throat.  this helplessness that i feel leaves me trembling and exquisitely alone.  each passing year i feel some new connection with you, and always at your insistence. now finally i am ready to insist in return only to find you've become unreadable. i hesitate and comb my mind, i feel the splitting all over again.  but where patience fell away from me before i am determined to keep it close by my side in the coming days.  

and then there's you.  you who i've been through ups and downs and thicks and thins and still you feel the way you do? i don't even know how to react. i spilled my heart out to you and i don't know that you comprehend the pain that you're causing me.  you are important, and important to me.  it kills me knowing that i don't make you feel that way.  after 6 years you would think that my feelings would be clear, you'd think that it would be understood that you are my best friend. how could you not know? how could you not feel that? why do you think i try and get you to visit all the time? why do you think i come and see you as often as i can.  if it were as easy as just moving i would do it but i can't.  instead of talk to me you would rather pour time and effort into a friendship that means nothing.  it's not real and she doesn't care about you.  you dedicate more time to those who treat you poorly than you do to me, who, according to you, treats you better than anyone you know. why do you do this to yourself? why do you do this to me? since we talked the other night i just can't stop the rising lump in my throat and the fact that i'm losing hope in him isn't helping that lump dissipate.  i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what to do about anyone. i

i'm sure anyone who happens upon this who knows me could make some educated guesses about the who's that i'm talking about. and i'm not upset about ending that two year run. not in the least.  i do reminisce about it but even when i think of the good parts, i'm consumed only by the negative.  i made a good decision and i wouldn't think of making that decision any other way, except for sooner. i feel like i made things harder when they didn't need to be, but that isn't for a lack of trying on my part because i tried, i tried so hard and whether that is recognized or not is out of my hands.  i'm thankful, though, for the fact that i'm not dwelling on the events from my childhood. i'd much rather be distraught over happenings in the now than in the then.  

one day i know everything will fall into place the way it should. sometimes, especially in this chill and swoon i feel impatience rapping on my chest and praying for recognition but it will do me no good.  it is necessary to stay true to myself and remember where i came from and what i used to have that i have lost. sometimes it feels as though i have strayed from myself and lost a bit of myself on the road to becoming who i am right now. sometimes that's okay, but when you lose integrity that's something that needs to be recovered and i am working on that slowly but surely.