nacho stop playing with me

it's been four years and i am praying for payoff.  patience has proven itself and i am all thrill.  but this demise is fraught with my own doubts. how much longer must i wait? am i even waiting? there is no guarantee here and this is painful to consider.  why is this a plague on me? we are no more familiar than strangers and yet i feel this pull.  i cannot read you.  there have been blatant referrals in the past but they have all but faded away. am i not the same as i was before? have your feelings finally faded? i pray they have not.  i ache to reach out to you but i am afraid of rejection and jeopardy.  i'd almost welcome rejection over this aching in my heart.   i feel the literal coming back to me, the poet is in respite.  there are no tears to bring on the words i once knew, but rather a numbness sweeping over me and laying me to rest.