AFI In New York and Why I Am I so Emotional Lately?

My heart is swept up in storms that I can't define and melodies are tugging at tissues and tendons, leaving me enraptured and entrapped.  Ever-encompassing, I am sighing and in a hot swoon with the shrieks and wails that surround me.  Can you reach me? Will you join me? If there could only be an outlet that I could slip through gracefully and without disdain.  Could there ever be such a way? The chills appear like stars in swarms and swirls and oh how I wish I would warm to them 'fore the ashes envelop me. What is this throbbing? This pulse? I fear if I were to speak this lump would slip and shatter this hard work that I have invested in you. I am cracked and torn. I have heard that before.  With coursing, whispering words, a silent serenade can you feel me? Can you hear me? I will reach for you before we are through and all will be quiet and blessed. There is never an end to this.  There is always an end.


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I don't know where that came from, but there it is. Anyway. I went to NY with Brett to see AFI on Friday and I had such a great time.  Alanna was supposed to come as well but because she was sick she unfortunately couldn't make it.  Brett and I, after an incident with an ignorant metro parking attendant, made our way to the Megabus stop and embarked at 11:59 (why not 12, Megabus? why not 12?). Although our ticket said we would arrive at 4:20, we ended up running a bit behind and reached New York closer to 5. I welcomed this, though, because I definitely needed the sleep that I got on the bus.  


Walking through the empty streets of Times Square was a little bizarre since the only time I've ever  been in the area has been during daylight hours when people are packed into the streets and sidewalks.  One of the best feelings when arriving super early to a show is seeing that you are the first one there. I don't know why this is really, because my main concern with getting there early is so I can get a good spot on the barricade, but it just really gives me this sense of accomplishment and true dedication.  People started arriving shortly thereafter and tentative conversations were carried out but as the day progressed we really got to know the people around us.  I bonded most with a girl named Becka who was very sweet and I feel like we really made a connection.  This is one of my favorite parts of waiting in line.  She's probably the only person I've ever met in a line who I've really cared to keep contact with.


At one point, we'd gone to Starbucks for some soy chai and as we were leaving, Hunter was coming in.  I think we both felt bad because we acted so awkwardly, but it was just so unexpected and the area was so cramped that it was just... uncomfortable all around for everyone. I think had I been anticipating meeting anyone I would've been alright, but I had no such anticipations and so the awkwardness ran its course.


The show itself was fantastic, much better than the Richmond show. RVA may have had a better setlist, but NYC was greeted with more energy from the boys.  I think being on Jade's side of the stage really made a difference too. I feel like all the action happens over there, who knows why.  Some key moments:

• During GNG it looked like Davey got kicked by Jade, it made me laugh
• Davey kept dropping to his knees dramatically and often looked like he was in physical pain.  The intensity was so palpable though, it was almost as though he couldn't help but fall at the end of the song because some kind of force had just left his body. Crazy.
• During Medicate, Jade messed up the pre-solo solo.  He made the cutest/goofiest face and we all (the audience and the bandmates) laughed with him as he recovered.
• Jade lost his voice when he was singing during the end of the Interview.  It was cute though, so I didn't mind. I love lost voices.
• There were a lot of knowing glances shared.
• Oddly, no songs from BSITS or TAOD were played, which was a little upsetting but not enough to ruin my night.

The energy that night was just so crazy and palpable I could just feel it seeping through me.  I don't know that I can really adequately explain just how right everything felt during that 1.5 hours or so.  I just felt like I needed to be there at that exact moment. I was exactly where I needed to be.  The world was complete for me at that time.  AFI's music has been such a huge influence for me and such a large part of my recovery process.  I have many favorite bands, I think anyone who knows me knows that, but they all represent different parts of my life.

1. Blink-182 -- not only the carefree moments of middle school, but the more serious moments of young-adulthood
2. Good Charlotte -- allowing me to survive and endure the traumas that I experienced at the hands of my step-dad
3. AFI -- making the recovery process from said traumas much easier to cope with and demonstrating the therapeutic power of words
4. Fall Out Boy & Panic! at the Disco -- instilling the bitterness and sass in me that everyone knows and loves today. They really helped me deal with the Liz situation with grace and allowed me to not back down and stand my ground.
5. the Format & Angels and Airwaves -- providing the soundtrack to my first love which, although may have ended poorly, I will never forget.  I don't think it would have been nearly as beautiful or romantic or cinematic without this music's influence.
6. Margot and the Nuclear So & Sos -- showing me that things were not as beautiful as they had been painted to be and providing me with the strength to make the hardest decision I think I have ever had to make.
7. the Cure -- always having the perfect sad song to allow me to cry when I need to the most.

And to be able to experience the music that affects me most in person, live, actively, it is just something I really cannot find words for. It is the most intense and moving thing I ever experience.  I think that sometimes people probably think I'm foolish for liking the music I do because really, not much of it is very hip or forward anymore, but I've never been one to be into things that are hip and forward.  I've always kind of followed my own path and I'm so proud that hasn't changed about me. It's one of the things that I'm most proud of about myself, if nothing else.


Looking at artwork from other artists when doing my artist blogs is painful sometimes, because in school we are told that we need to constantly be revising our work and reshooting and redoing and rethinking -- but it seems as though successful artists just kind of... do.  I'm not saying that they don't think, it just seems as though their thought process is very insular and organic and spontaneous and I miss that about taking pictures, so very much.  I miss loving photography, I miss thinking it's fun. Now I dread it. I feel like I have to drag myself to my camera in order to do work.  I hate calling it work.  While for me it is emotional labor, I don't feel as though I should feel like I am doing work which has such a negative connotation.  I just want to look at art and experience it. At this point, I am so tired of making art which is horrible to say but I feel like it's true.  I have so little confidence in myself with my work, especially after that D+ in my mid-term critique.


I'm not sure where I'm going with this anymore, but it felt good to get some of that stuff out.  I'll end with some of my favorite pictures from Friday's show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Peace out.