i don't know what i want

today when i was biking home from class, i thought about how nice it is to not have a commitment looming over me at all times. i felt so free and nice and I have since the break up.  i've also felt lonely though. i think my feelings for chet have very much faded.  there are just so many things that i realize could never have worked between us and i think i'm finding peace with that now.

regardless of this freedom, though, i still feel lonely a lot. it's silly really. i love my roommates, sara and i spend a ton of time together.  skittles keeps me warm at night. i have friends at work and school. i even go out more than i used to. despite all this i still feel lonely.  i expressed to sara the other night my fear that i'm just going to end up living alone with the cats and she pointed out that i was the only one of the three of us (roommates) that had any kind of lasting relationship but i don't know that it really means anything, especially since it didn't amount to anything. i feel like i can't even talk to chet without him bringing up our relationship and telling me how he feels and it just makes me feel so badly.

i want to ultimately be with someone with whom things are effortless. i don't want to try to make things work. i don't want to fight all the time.  i want to be able to go out when i need to, come home and do the things i need to do, and have them feel like they can do the same. i don't want to feel suffocated. i want to be needed and to need.  i want my level of need for my other to equal the need of my other for me. i don't think it can be one sided, it just doesn't work.

i don't know why i've been so mopey in the past couple weeks. i think it must be the winter air.  this always happens and i can only hope it will start making me shoot better.  i was looking over the pictures i took this past week and i don't know that i'm totally happy. i know i need to reshoot one series for sure but the shoot that i did on saturday turned out really very nice.  i'm just nervous because i don't have another in class critique before the mid-crit. ugh i don't know! i just want to sleep for a couple days i think that would be so nice.

in lighter news, alanna will be here on sunday! i'm so excited... i can't imagine the fun we'll have!