figures

i've been having a relatively pleasant day. at work, i was in the PDR and we actually had a pretty big party to set up for so time flew by very quickly, even café went by more swiftly than usual, but it seemed to be "let's sass courtney" day because everyone and their brother was giving me sass. sass sass sass.  i didn't show that it bothered me, which i'm proud of myself for, but it did.  so i get home, and i'm looking forward to shrugging off work, when i decide to read post secret. something about this week's batch of secrets really got to me.  i'm always complaining about not having anyone around, but it's my fault.  there has been plenty of interest lately (which is a foreign concept for me) but i have no interest to return, rather, i don't have the interest that would be preferred.  i want to get over m so badly but i just can't. i can't! it's terribly aggravating.  i was talking to eleanor and hadley and e thinks i should just let him know, despite him having a girlfriend at the moment.  h thinks that eleanor's idea is shiesty and i should refrain/wait til he moves (out of sight, out of mind) but it will plague me forever, i think, if i don't let him know.

i just wish my friendship were enough in most cases. i haven't had friends that were boys since elementary school, really.  any guy that has been in my life and paid me any kind of attention has just wanted more than friendship and i forgot that recently.  i make it sound like i've got a trail of boys lined up outside my door or something, and while that seems like the case now, it really hasn't always been, it's just been easier to let down the occasional hanger-on in the past. now it kind of sucks because i like the boys who are showing interest in some capacity, but they're not m, and that's lame (of me). i need a good kick in the head.

a good day

after the terror of last night, today has come as quite a relief. i find solace in having things to do and not idling about allowing thoughts of dread to creep up on me. the sun is out and i was able to run all my errands without freezing.  i also got to see erynn today which was nice since we hadn't seen each other for awhile. the new issue of ink came so i distributed those and saw mike in the process which is always nice. this morning i went to see wendy maruyama speak and she was a delight. idk, i was hoping this post would end up a little more poetic, a little more fluid and less punctuated but such is life.  it's a good day and i'm just trying to soak it up.

whining

sometimes i wish i still had someone who i knew would be there no matter what. i guess to an extent i still do. i could call him and he would come... but it wouldn't be the same. the stress that weighs down on me in his presence and the tiptoeing that i feel i must do creates an anxiety that i'd much rather do without. no, i wish i had one of those friendships that i see in movies where could call and say something like, "hey girl, get your ass over here and eat some chinese with me." unfortunately i don't feel as though i have such a rapport.  


i am thrilled, though, at all the prospects that are on the horizon. come spring break, i'll be heading to NC with alanna and becka to go see afi (siete!!) with some opening bands who i do hope are as engaging as gallows were.  it'll be a mini roadtrip that will span over three days. i'm looking forward to hitting the road with lady friends again and maybe taking some photos a la alec soth or robert frank. i need to get my inspiration back, especially with this being my last year in the photo department before embarking on my own little adventure for success. spring break will also see me off to colorado to visit khaleelah. i'm very excited about this as well. i've never been to the big CO and i hear there is a boatload of vegan food waiting for me. schwing!


for graduation, my mom is taking me on a cruise which i never would have dreamed would happen. it's funny for two reasons. one, the topic came up rather casually between my mother and i. i'm not even sure what started it at this point, but i think i jokingly mentioned her taking me on one for graduation and she agreed! also, it's a disney cruise. when chet and i were engaged we were looking at disney vacations as honeymoon options. it's so strange to think that i was engaged.  sometimes i forget, i know a lot of my friends do, and i often feel bad about that fact.  i'd rather forget than be the one hung up on it though, that is a fact.  


i'm hoping the weather will warm up soon.  the snow is really getting me down and i'd like to go on some excursions with ashleigh. we want to go on some little hunts for abandoned theme parks/mental institutions. i appreciate that she's not afraid to fail, because as far as road trips go, half the fun is getting to your destination and even if it's not what you'd expect, it's all about perspective. when alec soth mentioned being on the open road during his lecture, i really began to regret not taking more pictures and making more stops on my road trip with khaleelah and carri, but these are mistakes that i will remedy in the coming months.